i'm perpetuating the stereotype.

whoops.

I was rushing out of my house this morning and I took out my side mirror while backing out of the garage.

I cried in church on Sunday. It was the first I had gone since Father's Day. The mass on Father's Day was absolutely torturous to sit through: new fathers were carrying their toddlers in their laps, old men were holding hands with their wives, and my mom and I were alone, still processessing my father's long standing affair and decision to leave our family. I think that experience called my body and mind to action, activating my defense mechanisms. I had to block out everything--images of families, fathers and their children, and the priest's homily, praise and tribute to a father's love.

I cried not because of some religious experience, but because I was so overwhelmed while embracing my former piano teacher during the Sign of Peace (a part of the Catholic mass where parishioners reach out to other parishioners with a handshake, hug, etc as a sign of peace). Her hug was so full of love and compassion that tears welled up in my eyes. Immediately after the embrace, I quickly walked outside trying my hardest to hold back tears. Once I stepped outside, everything came pouring out--it was one of those cries that I hate. It was the kind that tries to be silent, but gasps of a subtle noise caused by feelings in the heart escape from the mouth, revealing a deep, unresolved pain. It was the kind that reveals everything, no matter how hard the person tries to hide it or how strong the person pretends to be.

I think I'm starting to realize that I am absolutely devastated. I immediately went into "parenting mode" by taking care of my mom and making sure she was okay. Although I subconsciously knew that this affected my life as well, I was so focused on making sure my mother was okay that I almost tricked myself to believe that my dad's departure affected her only.

That illusion was working for awhile.

Unfortunately not anymore.

On the bright side--cabining in Gatlinberg this weekend with some of my HS friends. And new computer will be here :).